When we all saw Alan Carr ‘murder’ his best friend Paloma Faith on the BBC show Celebrity Traitors, viewers were shaken to their core. Not just because it was such an unexpected move, but because it unfortunately reminded me of something painfully familiar: the feeling of being betrayed by a best friend.
As I watched it unfold, I couldn’t help but think of the more minor, everyday betrayals that haunt student life, like your flatmate stealing your cheese that you literally wrote your name on, or someone on your course stealing your essay idea or, worst of all, your best friend getting a little too comfy to the guy you like at pres. For me, and I’m sure many more, it wasn’t just another dramatic turn of events on a show – it was a moment that made me sit up and think, what would I do now if a best friend backstabbed me? Can it ever be forgiven?
When Carr decided to betray his best friend – someone he’s known for years – it became a lot more than just a game. It turned personal. The way he betrayed her, although it was calculated, felt very real and raw. Social media platforms like TikTok went crazy over it – everyone was shocked. How could he have lied to his closest friend like that?
Now of course, I think we all know the show is designed and scripted to get the players to manipulate one another’s trust. It thrives on paranoia, insane plot twists and betrayal. But it got me thinking after betrayal, is the friendship lost forever?
To dive into this deeper, I got in contact with Eloise Skinner, who, as an existential therapist, quite literally helps people all across the world with their problems, and find the best ways to overcome them. I asked her whether a friendship could ever recover from betrayal.
“I’d say it depends on the friendship, circumstances, and the nature of the betrayal – it certainly might be easier to forgive some things over others,” Skinner says.
“On the whole, forgiveness is generally a positive course of action – in particular, for the person forgiving, who might feel that it frees them to continue with their life, and avoids any lingering resentment building up.”
What she means is, forgiveness doesn’t always mean that the friendship needs to be rekindled, so it could be that, “[the] forgiveness is done privately, or with an acknowledgement that the relationship won’t continue.”
When looking at this for Alan’s case, the betrayal was all part of the game, but when putting what he did into a real-life scenario, that could have easily ended a friendship. Skinner mentions that there are healthy ways to process the hurt and emotions from betrayal, and find clarity, “I’d say that taking time away from each other could be a helpful first step – allowing the situation to settle can help in gaining perspective and feeling less emotionally reactive.”
She adds, “Discussing with others (trusted friends and family, or a qualified mental health professional) could also be useful to get some outside opinions (although avoid seeking out views that purely reinforce your own – it might be helpful to ask for different opinions and viewpoints).” This allows for you to be able to see the situation from an outsider’s perspective, which may change your opinion, and therefore the outcome.
Friendships will always face some sort of pressure, maybe not from murder missions, but they usually stem from jealousy or change. When competition comes into a friendship, loyalties can fade. And when someone you thought you knew decides to “kill you” (emotionally), it’s hard to push aside.
But, as Skinner says, forgiveness mainly starts with reframing the situation, “In terms of how to forgive, working with a professionalcould be useful, or undertaking other ‘reframing’ exercises (such as trying to see the situation from their perspective, acknowledging possible rationales for their behaviour, and exercising compassion for their situation).”
Friendships, will never be perfect and straight forward, but what keeps a friendship alive is how you both handle those imperfections. Whether you decide to forgive the person, or walk away from them, the main thing you should maintain is keeping your peace.
